#reverb10 – Dec 18-20. Try, Healing, and Beyond Avoidance.

December 18: Try. What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it? (Author: Kaileen Elise)

I want to join a CSA and shop more at farmers markets in 2011. This was something I wanted to try in 2010, but due to the fact that Tim and I were commuting in different directions, it made CSA membership impractical. There was a local farmer’s market in August, but we always had plans that day. The consequences of not doing this were minimal — just some mild guilt. In 2011, I will have an infant, which will complicate things, but I think that joining is still something I’d like to do.

December 19: Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011? (Author: Leoni Allan)

I wish I could say that I reconciled with someone, that we healed our relationship together. I wish I could say that my mom and I are entirely on the same page, with her truly respecting me as a person and as a daughter and an individual, leaving me feeling welcome and loved. That I knew more clearly what she expected from me, and that I could meet those obligations. But that is not the case. I would love for this to be the case in 2011, but I am afraid that becoming a parent myself, and my mother a grandmother will complicate things further.

I wish I could say that healing for me was a revolution, a single moment, but it has been and continues to be a slow evolution. Healing for me began in February when I followed the advice I gave my husband and found a therapist, who directed me to the psychologist in the practice, who found that 20mg of Prozac worked for me. Healing continued when I found a new psychologist to treat me while I am pregnant and will be nursing, and I dropped the therapist that caused upset in planning to go to her sessions. I think I perhaps need a new therapist, one who is feminist, and pro-balance in life, but I think I am mostly healed depression wise, though anxiety sneaks in, especially in medical situations.

I want to say that 2010 was a wonderful year of physical and emotional and mental healing for myself. So that I can be a whole, adult being. I want to be healed as a daughter in 2011, if I can figure that out.

December 20: Beyond avoidance. What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?) (Author: Jake Nickell)

It occurs to me that this time in 2009, Tim and I were terrified that we were pregnant, and this year, we are. I fully suspected that 2010 would mostly be a year of again, avoiding pregnancy because we were scared, despite the fact that we wanted to start a family. Tim and I had talked about beginning to try to get pregnant this December, but I wasn’t entirely sure we would be emotionally ready. Turns out, we are, and now we’re 5 months or 22 weeks pregnant. In 2009 we were too scared to add to our family, and in 2010 we started the process.

In 2010, I suppose one thing I have been too scared to do is to try to reconcile with my mom, to break down the walls in our relationship and rebuild them. On some level, I want to blame her — she would have to cooperate! On the other hand, I know that sometimes in relationships, if one person tries, sometimes the other person responds. I fully believe she is a “difficult” mother — not abusive, but certainly hard to live with. Will I do it in 2011? Probably not. But I think being aware of this as a wound is important.