Yesterday was a bad marriage day. While I sat on the couch, worrying about all the stuff that Tim and I were committed to – our unborn child, a trip to DC, getting ready to move, a project for a family wedding. And as I thought, I got more and more grumpy. And I started a fight, because I was feeling overwhelmed and tired, and wanted Tim to take some of the burden.
And so, rather than articulate the problem, I accused Tim of “never” doing “anything” that I asked him to do in a “timely manner.” He got defensive, and the fight escalated. I turned into a giant bag of snot, tired and overwhelmed.
Compare that to today, where Tim and I discussed our options to solve a problem in a mature and organized way.
I called a perinatal psychologist recommended by my midwife, and found that he does not take insurance, but makes it easy to bill your insurance yourself. Okay, cool. I tell Tim, and he takes the ball to call our insurance to make sure we wouldn’t be out of pocket. To make a long story short — the insurance company says they won’t cover him, the doctor’s office has patients who do, in fact, get reimbursed.
So, now we have to make a decision. I don’t know why it occurred to me, but I put it in terms of this: we wanted to go to this doctor because he is considered an expert in mood disorders in pregnant women, and therefore he should be able to minimize the risk to baby of anti-depressants, while still taking care of me. What do we risk by not going to him? What are we risking by going to this psychiatrist?
Tim put it this way: “By not going, we are risking your mental health, and baby’s health. By going we’re risking spending a lot of money each time we visit.”
So there are the variable in this situation: my mental health, baby’s health, and money.
Knowing the variables, we can talk about our options. Baby’s health can be protected by not taking anti-depressants at all. But that could be disastrous for my health. My mental health can be improved my changing my doseage, which means getting a new script from my doctor. However, how these drugs effect fetuses is a big question mark. Both of these options minimize our potential financial risk.
So, what risks are we willing to take? Now, we haven’t quite figured it out. But I am thrilled that this discussion has played out the way it has — with rational discussion, and weighing our options and the risks.
That is a good marriage day. While this could’ve gotten really heated and emotional, we talked like a team. I’m proud of us.
Practicing Empathy 